Carroll Emerson

PSALM 16 YEARS OLD

“As I walked through the shadow of the valley of death …”

Rummaging, with thoughts of happy times,

I searched for the chord that hung from the bare light bulb.

The light was burning my heart and I felt the urge to again be in the dark.

Somehow the dark was cooling, refreshing and soothing my heart.

The light hurt it, burnt it and made me too aware of things I did not want to know.

Things like the truth.

There was help out there somewhere, but all I wanted to see was darkness.

The darkness comforted me from the light that tried to show me the way to where I could find the rope.

The rope was the gateway to the valley.

A valley of happiness where there was peace and quiet and trees.

A big meadow where I could do anything I wanted.

I could climb trees or buildings.

I could be alone with no one else there.

The world on this side of the valley was covering the light that hurt my eyes.

I needed to constantly close my eyes because in the light I would see nothing that could comfort me.

I would see people shouting and yelling.

Shouting and yelling at each other.

Shouting and yelling at me.

Nobody liked me.

Nobody loved me.

Nobody cared about me.

All the light did was hurt me. There was a small cardboard box and the rope lay on top.

Here was the key to the gate for the valley.

I took it in my hands and it was cool. I felt comforted.

I shut off the light for the first time knowing that there would be no more light to hurt me.

I walked outside in the shadows of the cloudy day.

It was a warm early afternoon in a New England November.

I just wanted out of the light and into the valley.

My head was confused I knew what I had to do.

I no longer had to be content with the pain and the failure, I had finally decided to make it better.

The nylon rope made it easy to make knots.

Sea cadets had taught me to tie knots, and I was good at it.

At least I was good at something.

Throwing the rope over the beam of the deck, I knew what I had to do.

I had no feelings.

I didn’t feel bad.

I didn’t feel sad.

I felt in control.

I fitted the rope over my neck and grabbed a stool.

The stool had always been used for sitting on.

Now it was used not for sitting but for standing.

The stool was going to be my ticket to the valley where I would feel no evil.

I kicked the stool away.

I was surprised my mind was empty.

I had always heard that people’s lives flash before them, but nothing happened.

Then the rope broke and I fell and sat all curled up in a ball.

Disappointed that I couldn’t even do that right.

The sun came out and the light didn’t bother me anymore.

It stole me from the valley of death…

“and surely goodness will follow me all the days of my life…”