John-Michael Denney

HENRY

A long time ago there was a boy named Michael who owned two cats, Boe and Henry. The cats shared a litter box that was a gateway to hell. Now, if you’ve ever been there, hell is not such a bad place. If you play your cards right, you can go to the air-conditioned section. Sure there are some people who are in constant agony, but those are just the Catholics (they have to have it their way). Satan is evil, true, Satan is the devil, true, Satan is out to get as many souls as he can, false. Satan just wants to practice his archery, chill with his minions, and have an occasional perfect Manhattan. To do this, however, Satan has to possess a mortal being and transcend to the human plane of existence.

                  This isn’t so bad for the “damned”; they usually live and get their souls back. Sometimes Satan makes mistakes, grave errors of epic proportions, when he is on the human plane. Remember “Cheese Whiz with Bacon?”

                  Our story takes place during the time of Satan’s 64869th error, Henry. Henry was a cat who would’ve made his ancestors proud. Henry hunted people. He stalked small prey like mice and birds, but only when he couldn’t find a person to hunt. He also stalked little kids through the woods. He even hunted his owner Mike, who is not exactly a small man. Henry attacked Mike so often that it drove him to take drastic actions. One day, when Henry was sneaking up on what he thought was a sleeping Mike, Mike pulled out a super soaker, named Death, that made hoses look like water fountains. The spray knocked Henry out of the room and almost down the stairs. After that, Mike didn’t have any more problems with Henry. One day, when Mike went upstairs to feed the cats, he heard a voice.

                  “Pssst, buddy.”

                  Mike thought to himself, “Whoa, drank too much Surge.” He kept on walking. The voice came up again.

                  “Pssst, buddy, yeah you.”

                  Mike turned to the litter box, “That better not be you.”

                  The litter box suddenly grew a face and smiled at Mike, “You, uh, wanna buy a limb?”

                Mike put his can of Surge down and looked at the litter box as it pushed an arm out of the kitty litter.

                  “No, I don’t want to buy a limb, where the hell did you get that?”

                  “Hell,” the litter box responded.

                  “Oh,” Mike turned and began to walk away. As he looked back, the litter box was trying to sell a finger to one of Mike’s slippers. “Huh,” Mike thought, “my litter box is a gateway to hell. I’m hungry.”

                  Mike was still thinking about how hungry he was as Henry passed him whilst on his way to the litter box. Henry, not being afraid of anything except the Super-Soaker named Death, walked right into the talking litter box and proceeded to do his business. Henry got up a couple of minutes later, possessed by Satan, and seemingly normal. However all was not normal. Besides having his soul replaced with Satan, Henry could walk upright, and his vocal cords were mutating so that he could speak the tongues of man.

                  “Fele foedissimo, quid hades?”(What the hell, I’m a freakin’ cat?) Mike walked by muttering to himself, “The cat isn’t walking upright, and it certainly isn’t talking.”

                  Satan looked around. “Sum feles, in albo dormo, in suburbe.” (I’m a cat, in a white house, in suburbia.) Great, just freakin’ great. I should better start speaking English.” He turned to the litter box, “I don’t suppose this is your doing.”

                  “No, of course not.” The litter box responded. “By the way, can I interest you in some of my merchandise?”

                  “No you cheating litter bastard,” Satan said, “I own those limbs. Wait, is that my nose? You took that cat’s nose?” Satan leaped at the litter box. “Give me that back.”

                  After smacking up the litter box a bit, Satan proceeded to travel around his new house and neighborhood. He scoped out the area, looking for someone or something else to possess. He had little luck. Most of Mike’s neighbors were on vacation, or if they were there, they ran when they saw a cat walking on two feet chanting incomprehensible Latin phrases.

                  After two days of unsuccessful attempts to change bodies, Satan realized that he had one rather ignorant, easy target right under his fingertips. A docile, stupid, and powerful creature he could take over—Boe the cat!

                  Satan had one problem, which was that Mike avidly defended Boe when he saw him under attack by Henry. So Satan searched deep into the bowels of hell for a fighting genius whose spirit he could use to battle Mike.

                  Days later, after intense meditation, Satan was finally ready to face Mike in open combat. Imbued with the spirit of Napoleon, the undefeatable French general, Henry would be invincible. Mike would stand no chance against the elemental force that is Napoleon.

                  As Mike started to walk down the stairs, Satan charged up to meet him and began to morph. Mike’s face changed from surprise, to fear, back to surprise, then to humor, then to shock as his cat morphed from a foot-tall cat, to a four foot-tall man.

                  “Ah ha ha ha,” Satan boomed, well, boomed as much as a little man can, and said, “What are you going to do now, mortal?”

                  Mike kicked Napoleon down the stairs.

                  The little fat man rolled and rolled, until he hit the bottom step and broke his neck.

                  Satan’s soul immediately flew out of Napoleon, into the litter box, and back to hell. Whether they were directly affected or not, in all the world, nobody’s life was ever the same since the Satan incident.

                  Mike had to explain to his family why Henry was gone, and why there was a dead Napoleon in their living room. Mike’s family decided to stuff and mount Napoleon. He is currently under bid on Ebay for four dollars.

                  Satan returned to the underworld without accomplishing any of his original goals. He now lies in waiting until he gets another chance to possess a soul.

                  The spirit of Henry is missing. Rumor has it he possessed a lamp; the lamp was not available for questioning.